Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
