Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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