We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
