I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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