I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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