you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
