The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
