so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
