I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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