she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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