You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
