i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
