Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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