I got chris browned last night
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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