I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
This girl is more easily done than said...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
