i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
