Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
