so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
