even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
