I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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