youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
