Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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