this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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