just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Randomize
