You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
