can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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