I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
People in love make me want to vomit
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
