My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
