Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
