My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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