watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
