I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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