he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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