i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You don't make any sense
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