girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
