What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I did not marry a roomba.
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