Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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