he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
