We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
