I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
