I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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