I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
