fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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