My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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