I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
