I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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