Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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