Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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