No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize