So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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