I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
