Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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