Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
