i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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