And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
