My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
