Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
