M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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