He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize