you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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