she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
