I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
