i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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