I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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