Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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