Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
