Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
