Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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