I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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