I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
