I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
