So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize