I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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